Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Guys and Grooves


Dear Talkie Toni,

My girlfriend left me for a much older man about six months ago. Since then I've been completely uninterested in women, to the point where I can't even remember the last time I've had an erection (and I normally pop one just from watching 60 Minutes!). My friends have tried setting me up with tons of nice girls but I can barely muster up enough enthusiasm to get through an entire date. Do you have any tips on how a heartbroken dude can get his groove back? Or is it called something other "groove" if you're a guy?

Thanks,
Boneless in Bucks County

Thanks for writing in, BBC. I've spent the past few days really thinking about how to approach this question...and I think that I have a number of options that may help.

The first, and most obvious option would be to sign up for a reality dating show. Start by doing an outline of your likes and dislikes in your specie of choice. (Blond hair, green eyes, amputee, etc.) When this is complete make a hefty shopping list of networks that you think may be interested. If you need a contact at Disney, let me know.


Seeing that your ex-girlfriend left you for an older man, another option would be to try updating your wardrobe and accessorizing with a gold or platinum American Express card. Flash it anywhere you go, as you never know where love may find you.


In terms of getting your groove back, I'd say a good old fashioned night of fun (drinking) may do the trick. To spice it up, try wearing a subtle disguise and go to a new place. Be mysterious and meet some new people. Use this adventure as a way to break free from your comfort zone and get back in touch with who you are.


Remember, getting in touch with yourself helps you get in touch with others.



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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Spring Fling!


I must admit that I am part of the 58% of American women that paint their nails regularly. The average time it takes for my nails to chip is about 2 days. Let's do some math!

1 Manicure/week @ $6.00
1 Polish Change/week @ $4.00
Tip/visit 2 @ $2.00

Total: $14.00 (Rip off!)

Thanks to my handy B.F.A. and four years at art school, I am one of the few people that can actually pull off a DIY manicure. It's a lot cheaper! I recently went to Urban Outfitters (don't laugh, I was bored) and they had an awesome deal on nail polish 2 for $6.00 in really cute colors for spring. The brand is L.A. Girl Flare and it is the best thing since sliced bread for at home manni's. Everyone can benefit from saving a few bucks this time of year, so continue reading for some tips.
The Basics

*Invest in a really good file (and by invest I mean the $1.99 ones) Ricky's has some good deals.
If you live in a neighborhood with dollar stores, check the health and beauty 'aisles.' They have some decent ones in stock most of the time.

*Nail polish remover. Seriously never go without. I buy they jar that you can stick your finger in because it's less messy and lasts forever. It's really whatever you prefer. Again, check your dollar store.

*Pick a good time. I like to paint my nails at least 2 hours before I go to bed. The morning is a good time if you aren't going to work. I put on some 90210 reruns or reggeaton for the authentic salon feel.

The Prep

*Wash your hands and dry. It's good to start a mani fresh out of the shower.

*Start by shaping your nails with your bargain file and gently pushing your cuticles back. Don't cut your cuticles - EVER. It's gross, and they are usually worse after than they were in the first place.

*To solve a cuticle conundrum, after you've finished filing, take some lotion (I like aloe) and really work it into your hands and nails. This will ensure that they are healthy and will grow nicely. Moisturizing is the key.

*Gently scuff your whole nail with the finer side of your file. This helps the nail polish stick to your nails.

The Paint

*I'm left handed, so I start by painting my left hand. I have less control with my right hand, and trying to use it with wet nails is a recipe for disaster.

*This is the part where you have to get all zen and in the zone. Shake up your polish real good. (put yo back into it) Open, and gently brush off excess polish. You don't want too much on the brush because it will flood your nail, and too little will look thin and nasty. Practice a couple times (this is why the remover is key) till you find your polish's sweet spot.

*The first stroke should be up the center of the nail. Don't start your stroke too close to your cuticle, or that will make it look messy. The goal is to coat your nail with as few strokes as possible. Don't get too crazy, the more you practice the better you'll get.

*Repeat, one stroke to the left side, one stroke to the right.

*Wait 2 minutes between each coat. I wait a whole commercial break between each hand.

*Finish with a top coat, or two. I like that really glossy look. A good top coat is the NYC brand that you can pick up at most CVS or Duane Reade stores.

Post Paint

*Every couple of days touch up with your top coat, and remember to MOISTURIZE!


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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My Name is Talkie Toni....

So here's the deal. Everybody asks me for advice. Everybody.

I spent 45 minutes on my way home from work last week explaining the mysteries of ear infections to a lovely homeless woman who resides at Park and 18th St. What can I say? Her daughter had an ear infection and, as a seasoned ear infection survivor, I felt compelled to listen, and respond.

It's ingrained in me, or I'm just a magnet for people's issues.

Boyfriend issues? After spending years and years of listening to my girlfriends...I have answers.
Girlfriend issues? I can unravel the mysterious web that women weave around you.
Beauty issues? I have great skin. You ask, I tell.
Any other issues? I'll try my best.

I have a gift. Let em rip.

That being said, think of this as your free session with a psychiatrist/therapist/doctor, etc.

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