Monday, November 16, 2009

Meshugenah Monday - Can we Please Talk.

Today my friends, lets talk about the age old question that many women face. Is it a dress or a shirt? The tunic has torn down the wall that used to clearly divide the dress from the shirt. The following two articles of clothing are currently for sale as dresses.

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:



Let us all ask ourselves a couple of fundamental questions when we're evaluating a dress/shirt situation:

Can I safely tie my shoes in public wearing this?
If I wear this without hosiery will I contract a disease?

Of course, every girl needs a few dresses that are on the whoreish side, but please, let's all try and exercise some restraint on our day to day dress/shirt wearing. Let's not let this trend perpetuate any further!

Remember - if it's a shirt - wear pants!Read more!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Call of the Wild


Dear Talkie Toni,

I am in a bit of a jam here, or at least it feels like one. I'm a single dad, very involved with my son, we spend a lot of time together, I have a fwb (friends with benefits) relationship with a gal I get along with pretty well, we vacation together, dinners, etc, plus work. My life is pretty full, I volunteer at my sons school as well when I can swing the time. One of the married mom's there, very attractive, has been, I thought just wanting to talk, so we had lunch twice, talked, I told her what I thought would be helpful to help her get along with her husband a little better. She's been emailing me she wants to take 'this' to the next level,..no doubt I'm attracted to her, but it's just not the right thing to do, correct?

Thanks,
Dad in Distress


Thanks for writing in Dad In Distress,

You clearly know the answer to this one.

Personally, I don't condone adultery, although it seems - especially in NYC, that most people don't consider it cheating until you're married. There are two issues here.

Issue #1 is your FWB. You need to ask yourself how you'd feel if she came to you and said, 'Hey, I met this guy and he seemed pretty into me, so I think we're gunna take it to the next level.' You probably wouldn't be to psyched.

It sounds like you've got a great relationship with your son, and bringing an ultra complicated 2nd lover may confuse him just a bit, assuming that he's already pretty chummy with your current FWB.

The second issue is the Housewife. Do you really want to be 'the guy' that's responsible for the home wrecking that's bound to take place? My advice is to give your Married Mom the number to one of your VERY single friends that's into destroying families, and stay the hell away!

This advice may come across as harsh, so I must say, you deserve a lot of credit for not only resisting the urges of the wild housewife, but being involved in your child's life, and attempting to set a good example for him. Another issue - do you even have time for an affair? Probably not!

Got questions? Send em to TalkieToni@gmail.com
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

ITEM OF THE DAY: Valentino: The Last Emperor

I am by no means fashion forward, in fact I tend to shop at stores whose names I'm embarrassed to say, but I do have a love for expensive things that I can't afford. I've always found videos that companies like Hermes posts that show couture sewing rooms very interesting, so I was immediately curious when I saw that there was a documentary on the dressmaker Valentino. It was amazing to see inside the world of someone who is the true definition of a couturier.

That's why the Item of The Day for November 3, 2009 is Valentino: The Last Emperor. For inspiration to get off your culo and create something sometime watch the trailer below, and if you got Netflix you can watch the whole thing there.

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Monday, November 2, 2009

I ❤ Hair


This Halloween I decided to do something that I haven't done in a while - make a costume from scratch. I narrowed it down from a Sailor to Sherlock Holmes to a Taco and somehow ended up with Medusa. Last year I was Monica Lewinsky (decked out with a Clinton/Gore button and all) and no one got it, so I decided to go towards a more straightforward approach to a costume.

I had this great idea of making a wig with braids and snakes, which led me to the local beauty supply store in my neighborhood, who kindly introduced me to the world of synthetic hair. I watched loads of YouTube videos I picked up braiding rather quickly and embarked on my journey to wig heaven. I had no idea the amount of time and effort that goes into hairstyles that include weaving and braiding.

Anyway, I now have an endless amount of respect for people who choose to create, wear, and maintain any hairstyle that involves wefts, braids, weaves, etc. I also feel a slight obsession coming on involving hair pieces.

If you'd like me to do a tutorial piece on using wigs and hair extensions, Let me know! TalkieToni@gmail.comRead more!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

ITEM OF THE DAY: Essie Potato Fields

I decided to treat myself to an at home manicure last night since I was still mourning the two deaths of big ticket electronics this week.

I needed something that was subdued, but would stand out enough to say, "Hello, world, I'm back and better than ever!" Not really, but Essie Potato Fields is pretty much the perfect no-color color. Just enough of the potato field color to give your nails a little oomph.

Girls, gotta get it. Guys, get it for your girls. ($8/bottle)

Send your questions and inquiries regarding monetary donations to TalkieToni@gmail.comRead more!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

ITEM OF THE DAY: iTrack and iHound


In addition to yesterday's mourning of my dead digital voice recorder, I am also mourning my iPod Touch. I'm not that big into tech devices, and certainly not glued to it, but it sucks to have lost it.

Stupidly, I misplaced my ipod while on a grueling 7 hour bus ride from Plattsburgh, NY to NYC. I had engaged in a 6+ hour Scrabble tournament that lasted till the battery died somewhere in New Jersey (that's right, blame Jersey) at which point I thought I put it into my purse, but it must have fallen under my seat instead.

Anyway, while looking for ways to recover it, I found a slew of applications for ipod Touch and iPhones that help if you ever loose them. If I had known before my trip, I would probably have mine back by now.

So check out iTrack and iHound for your mobile devices, so you're not totally helpless when you loose expensive playthings.

P.S. Please let me know if you'd like to donate to the "Talkie Toni Needs a Touch" foundation by emailing me at TalkieToni@gmail.comRead more!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

ITEM OF THE DAY: Rapcap mini Microphone

For years I've had a digital voice recorder hibernating in my desk drawer. I pulled it out in preparation for an upcoming event, only to find out it died while sleeping. It's ok, because instead of mourning my loss, I'm celebrating a new addition to my life, the Rapcap mini microphone for ipods by Chill Pill Audio. It plugs into your stereo jack creating and instant mic. I'm thinking it can be used for laptops and a number of different electronic devices.

Say goodbye old technology, and hello to my newest friend, the Rapcap mic from Chill Pill Audio.


As always, send your questions to TalkieToni@gmail.comRead more!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

ITEM OF THE DAY: Sudafed 12 Hour


A sweet little sore throat has escalated into a full on attack on my face via my sinuses. The underachieving pharmacist in my neighborhood recommended some over the counter Tylenol Cold and Sinus, which in the past has worked. Apparently my head's been in the sand the last year since our friends of the pharmaceutical industry decided that it'd be better to sell the good shit behind the counter and tease the fools that buy the low doses from the shelves. I got my sweaty little hands on the high dose of Sudafed that people apparently use to make drugs to sell to little kids in school yards, and I never looked back.

Lesson learned: they keep the good stuff behind the counter.

That my friends is why Sudafed 12 Hour is the Item of The Day for Thursday, October 8.Read more!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Ah, Domestic Bliss



Dear TalkieToni,

I live with my boyfriend, and we have a sink full of dishes. I HATE doing dishes. I do all of the cooking, my boyfriend uses a new glass every time he gets a drink of water, and he never rinses anything off, like it is just going to magically un-crust in the dish washer. I really am thinking of just not doing them and then telling him that HE should always do the dishes, since he eats my food and uses the most dishes. Am I wrong??

Sincerely,
Pissed off in Brooklyn


Well, POIB, I've got a few suggestions that will get your man to start cheating on you with that little whore otherwise known as your kitchen sink.

It seems to me that your boyfriend doesn't realize that he's doing anything wrong. Now, I have a lot of respect for good men, but most of them can be kinda stupid when it comes to picking up on subtle hints. A sink full of dishes won't necessarily set off an alarm in his head that he should snap to and get a sponge.

Real life example - I tried this tactic once regarding a bathroom trash can. I left it overflowing and quite nasty for more than 3 weeks before it was emptied. We happened to be cleaning together, and I casually asked "You wanna grab the trash in the bathroom, honey?" at which point he said, "Wow, there's a shitload of trash in here!" I then explained that I had left it to see just how long it would take for him to empty it on his own. His response was to stare blankly at me. Point being, he never noticed.

Your boyfriend may have a case of "The Mom's" which, historically speaking, has never been cured. You know - those guys whose mothers were awesome, yes, but never let their sons clean up after themselves resulting in an infantile approach to household duties. In this case, you need to sit down, and have a talk. Play up the emotions. "I have so much on my plate right now, I just can't live like this! We need to make this work (sniffle) for both of us." This should kick start the faucet, and if it doesn't suggest that he hire a cleaning lady to come in and clean the house once a week. When he complains how stupid and expensive it is, laugh, and whip out your hourly calculations on how much he owes you as his personal maid.



I happen to work in an office where, like many, people think that their dishes are going to magically appear clean after they leave them all crusty on their desks. My answer is always to end out a memo. That's right, a memo. Email the bastard. That's a pretty clear way to get your point across. Email lacks emotion, its a cold hard look at what's bothering you. He'll read it, and come home with a big bouquet of flowers, get down on his knees, and apologize, begging for forgiveness, explaining that he didn't even realize how he was hurting you. Follow it up with some nicely printed note cards above and around the sink with a picture of something cute that nicely says "Wash me" or "I love being with my friends in the dishwasher"

My next tactic would be some good old fashioned blackmail. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. I don't have to get into this, simply said, no pink till he hits the sink.

Hopefully that helps. If not, just let it build up to the point that you can get yourselves on an episode of A&E's Hoarders, and then someone else will clean it for you.

Got a question? Email me! talkietoni@gmail.com
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Guys and Grooves


Dear Talkie Toni,

My girlfriend left me for a much older man about six months ago. Since then I've been completely uninterested in women, to the point where I can't even remember the last time I've had an erection (and I normally pop one just from watching 60 Minutes!). My friends have tried setting me up with tons of nice girls but I can barely muster up enough enthusiasm to get through an entire date. Do you have any tips on how a heartbroken dude can get his groove back? Or is it called something other "groove" if you're a guy?

Thanks,
Boneless in Bucks County

Thanks for writing in, BBC. I've spent the past few days really thinking about how to approach this question...and I think that I have a number of options that may help.

The first, and most obvious option would be to sign up for a reality dating show. Start by doing an outline of your likes and dislikes in your specie of choice. (Blond hair, green eyes, amputee, etc.) When this is complete make a hefty shopping list of networks that you think may be interested. If you need a contact at Disney, let me know.


Seeing that your ex-girlfriend left you for an older man, another option would be to try updating your wardrobe and accessorizing with a gold or platinum American Express card. Flash it anywhere you go, as you never know where love may find you.


In terms of getting your groove back, I'd say a good old fashioned night of fun (drinking) may do the trick. To spice it up, try wearing a subtle disguise and go to a new place. Be mysterious and meet some new people. Use this adventure as a way to break free from your comfort zone and get back in touch with who you are.


Remember, getting in touch with yourself helps you get in touch with others.



Got a question? Email Me!

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Spring Fling!


I must admit that I am part of the 58% of American women that paint their nails regularly. The average time it takes for my nails to chip is about 2 days. Let's do some math!

1 Manicure/week @ $6.00
1 Polish Change/week @ $4.00
Tip/visit 2 @ $2.00

Total: $14.00 (Rip off!)

Thanks to my handy B.F.A. and four years at art school, I am one of the few people that can actually pull off a DIY manicure. It's a lot cheaper! I recently went to Urban Outfitters (don't laugh, I was bored) and they had an awesome deal on nail polish 2 for $6.00 in really cute colors for spring. The brand is L.A. Girl Flare and it is the best thing since sliced bread for at home manni's. Everyone can benefit from saving a few bucks this time of year, so continue reading for some tips.
The Basics

*Invest in a really good file (and by invest I mean the $1.99 ones) Ricky's has some good deals.
If you live in a neighborhood with dollar stores, check the health and beauty 'aisles.' They have some decent ones in stock most of the time.

*Nail polish remover. Seriously never go without. I buy they jar that you can stick your finger in because it's less messy and lasts forever. It's really whatever you prefer. Again, check your dollar store.

*Pick a good time. I like to paint my nails at least 2 hours before I go to bed. The morning is a good time if you aren't going to work. I put on some 90210 reruns or reggeaton for the authentic salon feel.

The Prep

*Wash your hands and dry. It's good to start a mani fresh out of the shower.

*Start by shaping your nails with your bargain file and gently pushing your cuticles back. Don't cut your cuticles - EVER. It's gross, and they are usually worse after than they were in the first place.

*To solve a cuticle conundrum, after you've finished filing, take some lotion (I like aloe) and really work it into your hands and nails. This will ensure that they are healthy and will grow nicely. Moisturizing is the key.

*Gently scuff your whole nail with the finer side of your file. This helps the nail polish stick to your nails.

The Paint

*I'm left handed, so I start by painting my left hand. I have less control with my right hand, and trying to use it with wet nails is a recipe for disaster.

*This is the part where you have to get all zen and in the zone. Shake up your polish real good. (put yo back into it) Open, and gently brush off excess polish. You don't want too much on the brush because it will flood your nail, and too little will look thin and nasty. Practice a couple times (this is why the remover is key) till you find your polish's sweet spot.

*The first stroke should be up the center of the nail. Don't start your stroke too close to your cuticle, or that will make it look messy. The goal is to coat your nail with as few strokes as possible. Don't get too crazy, the more you practice the better you'll get.

*Repeat, one stroke to the left side, one stroke to the right.

*Wait 2 minutes between each coat. I wait a whole commercial break between each hand.

*Finish with a top coat, or two. I like that really glossy look. A good top coat is the NYC brand that you can pick up at most CVS or Duane Reade stores.

Post Paint

*Every couple of days touch up with your top coat, and remember to MOISTURIZE!


Got a question? Email Me!

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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My Name is Talkie Toni....

So here's the deal. Everybody asks me for advice. Everybody.

I spent 45 minutes on my way home from work last week explaining the mysteries of ear infections to a lovely homeless woman who resides at Park and 18th St. What can I say? Her daughter had an ear infection and, as a seasoned ear infection survivor, I felt compelled to listen, and respond.

It's ingrained in me, or I'm just a magnet for people's issues.

Boyfriend issues? After spending years and years of listening to my girlfriends...I have answers.
Girlfriend issues? I can unravel the mysterious web that women weave around you.
Beauty issues? I have great skin. You ask, I tell.
Any other issues? I'll try my best.

I have a gift. Let em rip.

That being said, think of this as your free session with a psychiatrist/therapist/doctor, etc.

Send your questions to talkietoni@gmail.comRead more!